Emmetts Birth Story

I gave birth to my first born, Emmett Grey on February 21, 2022. I have never formally shared his birth story in such a public space, but as I prepare for this second birth I felt the urge to share some of the processing and healing i’ve done over the past 2 years. I humbly share this story as a mode of healing, and moving forward.

I want to preface this by first saying, that your birth, no matter how beautiful or traumatic, deserves the time and attention to be processed. Your story deserves to be told. Birth is (in my opinion), the most life altering event we can go through as women. It changes us, and more than just physically. What I have learned is that birth is a mirror and it reveals your rawest truth. It has the potential to awaken your spirit and bring your consciousness to a whole new level. Stepping into motherhood is not a change of identity, but an expansion of one.

I prepared in everyway I knew how for that first birth, I was well educated, took all the classes, did all the spinning babies stretches and yoga poses, I hired my doula and wrote out my birth preferences. But at the end of the day nothing can truly prepare you for that journey. Nothing can prepare you for the sensations of birth and nothing can prepare you for how much it will change your entire world.

After my birth with Emmett, I felt like a different person and it rattled me. My priorities shifted, my body softened and my confidence changed. Hell I quit my job and opened a business when Emmett was 6 months old, something I NEVER thought I would do. I am so in awe of this new woman I have become since stepping into motherhood. I have always been a seeker, trying to grow and learn and become more myself as time goes on, and I see now how birth is an opportunity to expand. It humbles us and shatters us and pushes us to our limits, and just when we think we can’t do it anymore, we are given a baby on our chest and in the blink of an eye our whole understanding of the world, of self and of God, shifts.

It’s from this experience that I am who I am today, and why I do what I do. I want to be someone who can help bring forth more badass, empowered, expansive mothers. I want to hold sacred, loving and supportive space for mothers during their transformation. Too long have our voices been quieted, our concerns dismissed, our most intimate parts neglected. Too long have women been told they are second-to, less-then, incapable, weak. But what I know for certain is that we are anything but. And when we uplift the divine feminine, when we empower mothers, we might just change the whole damn world.

Now I will get to the specifics of my birth with Emmett, but I first want to gently remind you to protect your energy and protect your space when reading others birth stories. This story shares some negatives about the medical system, birth interventions and mild forms of trauma. It also is a story that I try not to cast any blame on. My birth with Emmett was beautiful and imperfect and exactly the birth that I needed to bring me to my next level of consciousness. I have been working on my biases around what makes a birth “good” or “bad”. Is an unmedicated, unassisted home birth superior than an induced hospital birth with pain medication? Is a vaginal birth more superior than a cesarean birth? I believe all forms of birth have the potential to be beautiful, and to expand & empower the mother. Rather than me judging what makes a birth superior to another, I invite the mother to tell her story and how her birth made HER feel. And when looking back at my first birth and my expectations going into this second one, I try to give myself that same grace. Take that with what you will and if you feel intrigued to continue reading, I will see you on the other side.

due dates, “natural induction” and trusting in the timing

Towards the end of my pregnancy I grew eager for birth, once I hit 37 weeks I was fully done being pregnant and labor could not start soon enough. The thought of going a second past my due date was unimaginable. Around 39 weeks I was determined to “go early”, so I started doing all the things: curb walking, teas, using my breast pump, acupuncture, etc. I didn’t see those things as “interventions” at the time. But in reflection I now see that this was my first point of resistance to the process, I was eager (rightfully so), but I also rushed the process and therefore gave up a bit of trust in my body & my babys divine timing. As I near the end of this pregnancy I can say that yes, I’m getting uncomfortable, and yes I am looking forward to being able to bend over easily and not have to pee every 30 minutes. But I am also letting go of any timelines. Our “due dates” are not set in stone, and a healthy full term baby can be anywhere from 37 to 42 weeks. Our babies & our bodies know when they are ready, and as much as I am still preparing my body with yoga, meditation and gentle exercise, I am also leaning into trust that labor will start when it’s meant to. If anything I invite any extra time I can get to enjoy some resting & nesting before this little one arrives.

First signs of labor

The day after getting acupuncture & using my breast pump, I started experiencing some bloody show, and then the day after that contractions started. The contractions initially felt like period cramps, they were about 30 minutes apart and fairly mild. I continued most of my day as normal as possible, but was of course excited and very very aware of every little thing that was happening in my body. After having these early labor contractions most of the day, my husband and I decided it would be best to go to bed early and get as much rest as possible before things ramped up.

Early labor

I of course, didn’t sleep a wink. I was too excited and contractions were just spaced enough and uncomfortable enough where I couldn’t quite get comfortable. I was eager to get things moving along as well and opted to spend the majority of my night moving around and on my birth ball instead of sleeping. I was glued to my contraction timer to get a sense for how things were progressing (or lack there of). In reflection, I honor my excitement during that time, it’s so hard to stay calm when you know you’re in labor and shit gets real. But I also recognize now how much I might have been better served trying to rest and putting down the contraction timer. Labor & birth is a marathon and you truly do need to pace yourself or else you will fatigue out, which is exactly what happened to me. And my contraction timer was just another manifestation of my resistance to the process. I was trying to rush things. I had an expectation that labor was supposed to progress at a certain pace, and I quickly got frustrated when things weren’t progressing fast enough.

Waters Breaking

I called my doula around 4am and asked her to come over. I was getting emotional, I was exhausted and I was frustrated by the “lack of progress”. All night my contractions were anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. I was definitely uncomfortable but able to breathe through each one. I was experiencing a fair amount of back labor as well which made it hard to get any sort of break between contractions. My wonderful doula helped me into some different positions and we tried a few different releases & comfort measures. Within 15-20 minutes I could feel my baby shift positions and my waters broke. From there I pretty immediately switched into active labor. Contractions increased in length & intensity and were now 2-3 minutes apart. I called the labor line and decided it was time to make my way to the hospital.

From home to hospital

Moving from the energy of my quiet, safe, comfortable bedroom to the car and then the hospital, created a huge shift in my labor experience. Looking back I can see that this is where my whole nervous system started to shift towards fight or flight mode. The atmosphere in the hospital felt sterile, I immediately felt like I was put on a timeline, and I struggled to find calm and comfort.

(The last thing you want to do when you are in active labor, is sit in the car for 20 minutes, have to search for a parking spot, walk a mile through the hospital, check-in to triage and wait in a small fluorescent lighted triage room for 45 minutes while being asked about birth control and getting a cotton swab stuck up your nose for COVID-19 testing.)

In reflection, this was the first time in my birth journey where I started to question if I could do it. I was 3cm dilated and fully effaced at triage so they admitted me. It was about 8:30am.

Laboring & Interventions

I tried the tub in the hospital room, but it was way too small for my long limbs & torso and I wanted to be on my hands and knees instead, so I quickly got out and transitioned to the bed. Because the back labor was so intense at this point, I opted for sterile water injections. I knew nothing about this prior to labor, but they seemed like a great idea to give me some relief. What I didn’t realize was that these injections are meant to function as a “gate control”, they create a pain intensity that masks the contraction pain. These injections were awful in my opinion. They were worse than any other pain I experienced and I must have screamed bloody murder. They did take away the back labor pains, but i’m not sure it was worth what it took to get there.

At this point they checked my cervix again and I was 6cm dilated. As much as someone tells you that’s excellent progress, all you can think in that moment is, but that means 4 more to go… A reason why I feel cervical checks can often be discouraging, they put a message about an arbitrary timeline and progress in your head which in reality, isn’t factual. Cervical checks were definitely a source of creating frustration and self-doubt for me. They are something I plan to opt out of completely in my second birth.

At some point in this labor process, I started to get an urge to push. Once the doctors recognized this they checked me again and I was 7cm dilated. Because I was not fully dilated, they reinforced that I do not push. Now, I don’t fully understand why my body was telling me to push at this point - maybe it was fear, maybe it was my baby coming down, maybe it was a fluke, but telling a mom not to push when she is having an urge, is like telling someone actively vomiting to stop vomiting. I was being forced to resist what my body wanted to do, this made me tired and frustrated and eventually lead to me opting for the epidural. I was so taxed mentally and physically, and I waived the white flag.

In reflection, I give myself so much grace for that epidural. Looking back, I needed it. I don’t think at that point I could have mind over mattered that situation. As much as I wanted an unmedicated birth, I was not ready for it. I try to give myself compassion for that choice, but this is a part of my birth story that I’ve ruminated on so much. What could have been different to support me for an unmedicated birth? What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t I strong enough? I release this, all of it. The epidural was exactly what I needed, and I’ve fully accepted my birth story for what it was. The epidural was an avenue that brought me my beautiful, healthy son, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Epidural

After getting the epidural, I finally was able to lay down and rest. At this point it was around 5:30pm and rest was much needed after a whole night & day of laboring. The thing about the epidural, is that it comes with more interventions. I was put on continuous fetal monitoring, a urinary catheter, IV fluids and pitocin due to fetal heart rate concerns and the medical staff wanting to speed up the process. It also comes with more limitations on positions. I felt as though I gave up a lot of my own autonomy and power once I opted for the epidural. My whole birth plan went out the window. I was now completely reliant on the medical system to bring me my baby, and had to advocate a lot for myself for things that were still in my control. Once I got to 10cm, I was told it was “time to push”. I knew instinctively that I wanted to be on my hands and knees, and fortunately for me I was able to get into that position, even with an epidural. I had very limited sensation of my contractions at this point, so it was difficult to tell when it was time to push, and I had to really concentrate on pushing technique. Every time the doctor came in, she wanted me to turn on my back and push with a closed glottis (breath hold). I resisted this, I told her I felt better on my hands & knees and with an open glottis (breathing out) pushing strategy. It was extremely frustrating that I wasn’t being supported here and I had to advocate a lot for myself. I eventually turned onto my back and with the help of a mirror and 2.5 hours of total pushing time, my baby came through.

In reflection, I think two things are important. No one should have questioned my preference for positioning, I should have been supported and encouraged to follow my bodies lead. I also realize that because I knew what my options were ahead of time, I had the ability to speak up for myself. I hold compassion for myself in that my birth brought me my baby, it revealed to me my power to know my body, to speak up for my own autonomy, and that I alone had the power (even amongst a lot of opstacles and interventions) to birth my own baby. I can demand better for myself going into this next birth, while also finding acceptance for my first birth going the way that it did.

Meeting my baby

Seeing Emmett for the first time was the biggest wave of emotion I could have ever dreamed of. My husband and I were full of happy tears and overwhelmed by love and awe for this little human that just a moment ago was inside my body and now is earth side. Having him skin to skin on my chest, everything felt right, everything felt complete. There is nothing that came before that mattered anymore. He was here, I did it, and it was perfect.

I barely even remember my placenta being delivered, I was so caught up in this new life on my breast. Emmett Grey was a wide eyed healthy little cone-headed baby boy weighing in at 7lbs 3oz.

Reflection

I understand that this birth story comes with a lot of negatives and some subtle forms of trauma and abuse by the medical system. The reality is that this story is not uncommon. Maybe some mothers don’t recognize some of the more subtle ways our medical system takes away our power and autonomy in birth, or maybe their experience was different. I can’t speak for anyone but this is my story. It woke me up to some of the limitations that our medical model has in obstetric care. But it also gave me a glimmer of what it could be. I still birthed my baby, my body did that and no one did it for me. Even among all the intervention and sabatoge, I still came away feeling profoundly changed and infinitely more powerful than I ever imagined. Maybe this birth was as it was to teach me all of these things. To demand more for myself and for other moms going forward. What would happen if we truly unleashed a mother to her full potential in birth, and didn’t hold her back from all the teachings birth will give her?

Preparing to embark

As I prepare for my second birth I have been very intentional about fostering a team and environment that I believe will allow me to feel the upmost safety and protection, that will support me in MY journey exactly as I decide it to be and that will hold the birth space for me as sacred ground.

As I prepare for my second birth I release any negative holdings I may still have of my first birth. I let go of any regret, any resentments, any blame and any shame of how it unfolded.

As I prepare for my second birth I invite whatever is meant to unfold to be what it needs to be. I let go of any idea of a “perfect” birth, or a “superior” birth to any other. I completely surrender to the timing, I completely surrender to the sensations, I completely surrender to the emotions that will surface. I release any resistance and I hold my fears with compassion. I trust my body and my baby to do exactly what they need to do. I trust that birth is sacred and plan to celebrate that in ceremony.

No matter what happens, this birth will come with challenges, and beauty and lessons and love.

See you on the other side.

xoxo

Amy